"Help! I'm about to have my first experience with a woman and I don't know what to do!"

I get a variation on this question multiple times a week in my DMs, and let me assure you that I feel your anxiety! The days leading up to your first lesbian experience are an exciting, scary, exhilarating time filled with anticipation — and lots and lots of questions.

"How do I do it? What do I say? What if I don't do it right?" 

As a woman who's been in your shoes, allow me to pass on some tips from personal experience! 

Lesbian Sex — First Time Tips

Give and get consent

Consent is always crucial, no matter who you're having sex with! Make sure you're both enthusiastically all in on being physical together and understand that you can stop or hit pause at any time. 

Expect lesbian sex to be different

If you've mainly been in straight relationships, there are a few notions to leave at the door before you shake the sheets with a woman. The main event won't be centered around a penis, and that can feel like an odd (and welcome!) change. In lesbian sex, the name of the game is pleasure over performance. Don't fake anything, don't rush toward a grand finale, and expect foreplay to last a good long while.

Learn more: Best Lesbian Sex Positions

Remember: it's all real sex 

Keep in mind that penetration may or may not be on the table, but either way, it's still real sex. Though you and/or your partner may be interested in strap-on play, that doesn't guarantee it will happen the first or even the first several times you hook up.

Follow your intuition, explore what feels good, and dismiss the idea that penetration has to be the cherry on top. Sapphic play doesn't need to follow the beginning, middle, and end structure you might be used to. Think of it more as an infinite loop of pleasure that can be designed by you and your new partner.

Get familiar with the equipment

Playing with your vagina and vulva in front of a mirror can help familiarize you with your anatomy and is good practice for playing with a female partner. But keep in mind that everyone experiences pleasure differently. What you like, look like, and experience during sex and solo play are unique to you, just as they are to a lesbian partner. 

The best way to discover what your partner likes is to ask them. That doesn't need to sound like, "Can you tell me how to do it?" Instead, you can put your hand over their hand, place your stacked hands between their legs, and whisper, "Show me what you like."

Learn more: What is Scissoring?

Communicate

If you feel awkward or nervous, acknowledge it out loud. Chances are they feel the same way, even if they're more experienced than you are. Embrace the excitement that comes with charting new territory and trust that as long as everyone has mutual pleasure in mind, you can't lose.

Verbalizing doesn't have to be just about awkward feelings. Feel free to express your appreciation and desires, too. Let your partner know what you want and be open to hearing what they want.

Just add sex toys

Toys are your friends, whether you're solo or with a partner! Maybe in the past you've had partners discourage you from using toys, but I think you'll find that toys are quite welcome in the sapphic world. They can also be a great way to ensure mutual satisfaction, especially if you're not (yet!) fully confident with your manual and oral skills.

If you're not sure which toys are best, here's a list of some of my top picks and must-haves. 

Learn more: How to Use a Strapless Strap-On

Best Sex Toys For Lesbians

Best vibrators for lesbians

Femme Funn Dioni Finger Vibrator Bring manual stimulation to a whole new level with the Femme Funn Dioni. This clever silicone toy slips over your finger, turning it into an instant sex toy. The Dioni comes in 2 sizes and has 20 vibe modes and an eye-popping boost function. 

Snail Vibe Curve It just may be the most unique vibrator I've ever tried, and it's certainly one of the most pleasurable. This dual action toy stimulates the G-spot and clitoris using an out-of-this-world rolling motion. Use it on each other, go to town with it while your partner gets mouthy with your nipples — feel free to get creative. 

Together Couples Vibrator Part rabbit vibrator, part double-ended dildo, the Together Couples Vibrator features flexible arms and independent motors for customized vibes. The Echo Function delivers stimulation to each partner based on the other's body movements, creating real-time shared sensations. 

Best dildos for lesbians

Strap-On-Me P&G Spot Dildo  It's curved for G-spot stimulation and it's harness compatible, but that's not why the Strap-On-Me P&G Spot Dildo tops of my list of best dildos for lesbians. For me, it's all about the ultra-smooth silicone that glides like a dream without dragging or catching on sensitive tissues. It also comes in 4 sizes, which is a great perk. 

Blush Ruse Slim Double Dong This smooth, firm double dildo has a silky exterior and an appealing U shape that makes it great for play with a partner. And at 18 inches long, this flexible toy leaves plenty of room for bumping and grinding. Oh, and you can boil it, too. 

Pegasus 6-Inch Curved Realistic Harness Set You might not reach for it your first night together (or you might!), but the Pegasus Wave Harness Kit is a great, all-inclusive option for strap-on play. The harness is adjustable and comfy, the dildo has a crowd-pleasing shape and size, and the whole kit and kaboodle is budget-friendly. 

Best accessories for lesbians

BumpHer Silicone Dildo Attachment The original Bumpher attachment is still one of my favorites and here's why: it's great to grind against, its tacky backing helps it stay in place, and you can use the heck out of it and it still looks brand new. It also offers some nice padding to make strap-on play that much more comfortable. 

Coconu Organic Water-Based Lube This plant-based lube works just as well for fingers, strap-ons, and toys of all materials. I love it because it's organic, edible (yes, really), and doubles as a vaginal moisturizer. Win, win, and win. 

Shibari Soft Bondage Rope If a bit of bondage is on the menu, I heartily recommend this silky black rope. It feels great on the skin, knots beautifully, and is super strong to keep squirmers and strugglers from breaking free.