I'm a professional sex toy reviewer with a birthday in a few days (the big 34!), so this seems like the perfect time to reveal what I believe each zodiac sign would be as a sex toy.

Ready to get astrological? Let's go!

Aries

Strap-On-Me Cum Dildo If you're an Aries, you're innovative, daring, and sometimes a little scary! How does that set of traits translate to sex toys? Well, your perfect toy is an attention-getting, cum-shooting dildo. Like you, it may seem a little intimidating at first, but it's actually loads of messy fun.

For all the details about this toy, check out my Strap-On-Me Cum Dildo review!

Gemini

Suckle Rose Toy You're versatile, you're unique, and you'll transform into whatever suits the vibe of the moment. That's why you're the Suckle Rose Toy. Is it an air pressure toy? Is it vibrator? Is it a dildo that massages the G-spot? Surprise — it's all three!

Pisces

Lelo Sona 2 Pisces, sweet Pisces. They're dreamy, kind, and will suck the soul from your body, which makes them the Lelo Sona 2, a powerful air pressure toy that thrives under water. The Sona 2 also happens to be one of my favorite sex toys of all time for its penetrating, pleasurable power.

Find out more about my Pisces pick in my Lelo Sona 2 review

Taurus

Snail Vibe Curve You're reliable and strong and you thrive in nature, so you're obviously the Snail Vibe. At first glance, you might think WTF kind off vibrator is this? But the moment the Snail's smooth, silicone shell rolls over your clitoris, all of your doubts will melt away and you'll wonder how you ever lived without one. 

Scorpio 

Womanizer DUO The mysterious, intense, and passionate Scorpio might make you cry, but it will also make you O so hard that somehow you end up apologizing. This kind of duality earns you the Womanizer DUO which, ironically, made me cry the first time I tried it because I was convinced I couldn't squirt (but was blissfully proven wrong!). 

Curious what all the fuss is about? See for yourself in my Womanizer DUO review

Sagittarius

We-Vibe Moxie You're always on the go flying here and sailing there, so you're obviously going to be a travel toy. And when I say travel toy, I specifically mean one you can wear in your panties without anyone knowing. That toy is the We-Vibe Moxie, which can be operated by phone app from anywhere in the world. Who gets to control the remote? That's entirely up to you.

For more about my personal experience with this toy, take a look at my We-Vibe Moxie review

Cancer

Femme Funn Turbo Shaft Cancer, cancer, cancer. Everyone thinks you're a crybaby, but you're actually the embodiment of big D energy. That's why you're the Femme Funn Turbo Shaft, which is long, strong, and deep. So very deep.

Discover all the details in my Femme Funn Turbo Shaft review

Libra

Magic Wand Rechargeable Being a people pleaser isn't always a bad thing —when it's done right. And nobody does it better than you, Libra, which is why you're the Magic Wand, a toy that can make anyone smile...and have a whole-body orgasm. 

Find out why the Magic Wand is a legend in my Magic Wand Rechargeable review!

Leo

Lelo Enigma Wave Bold, beautiful, must inform everyone that they're a Leo — you're also somewhat of an overachiever. This makes you the Lelo Enigma Wave, a triple-action toy that mimics the feeling of being licked and "beckoned" at the same time. 

Virgo

njoy Pure Wand Meticulous, precise, needs things to be perfect — that's you, Virgo! And you'd be hard pressed to find a toy more perfect than the njoy Pure Wand. This icon of a toy is made from medical-grade stainless steel and is world-renowned for its ability to hit the right spot every time.

For a closer look at this wondrous wand, check out my njoy Pure Wand review

Aquarius

My Lil Pony Plug You're independent, you march to the beat of your own drummer, and you always seem to have beautiful hair. That's why you're the lush, flowing My Lil Pony Plug, which makes backdoor stuff look elegant and stylish. 

Capricorn

Vibepad Capricorns, sometimes you get a bad rap, but there's nothing wrong with being practical and patient, especially when you patiently lead me to the precipice of pleasure again and again and again. That's why you're the Vibepad, AKA the best grinding toy the world has ever known. 

Sound intriguing? Dive into the juicy details in my complete Vibepad review